Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Still dying that you shit outside
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
