Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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