You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
