My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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