youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
