I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
