i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So apparently I’m into choking now
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