I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
