I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
