Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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