Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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