I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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