just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
