you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
