he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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