well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
