i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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