I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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