Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
