Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
