Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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