when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
