So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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