that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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