Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize