How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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