I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
