remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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