I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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