Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
