I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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