Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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