Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
