The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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