I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
