You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
