Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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