Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
