dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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