hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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