she woke up with a sticky ear
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
