this just has baby written all over it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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