If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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