1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
