my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize