Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
