I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
