so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
