Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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