also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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