Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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