'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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