I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
