hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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