I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
