2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize