why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
