After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize