someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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