Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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