margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
