My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
